Ok before I start I should say that yes im still in japan and yes I have managed to find myself in a pub. I have ordered a beer however I have a small amount of fear that they may have served my Free beer. This is not free like BSD licence more free like GNU i.e. it has no alcohol. Ok that’s the only geek joke I have made, I couldn’t resist and now I will quit it. Anyway I think my beer may have no alcohol so I may need to start on the shochu. How can you tell if beer has no alcohol the only way I can think of is to drink 5 pints and see if im drunk. However if I drink 5 pints and it is 0 beer I will be well annoyed.
Anyway I have only just started and already I have digressed. So every time I come to japan someone, generally my networking colleagues james (cockney) or Chris (Geordie) ask me to get them some girls nickers from a vending machine. Im sure you have all hear the rumours Japanese people are perverts. When they are not doing karate, been a ninja, or practicing there Samaria sword play, they like to play with used knickers. So much so that these knickers are sold in vending machines on every street corner.
So sarcasm aside , I have never seen a vending machine with nickers in it in the entire time I have visited japan. I have asked both my sister and my brother inlaw about these machines and both have assured me that it is an urban myth. There is probably only one in japan and more than likely in a soap parlour in shinjinku. As I don’t currently have an intention to go to a soap parlour I figured just forget about it. Also I don’t think these people really want used woman’s knickers they are all quite normal people.
So today I walk up in a hotel I barely remember arriving at. I do remember spending about 30 minutes looking out of the window and admiring the view. I was on the 10th floor and the Tokyo skyline looked pretty fucking cool, especially so when pissed. Anyway I awoke had a shower and then realised I didn’t really know where I was. I had a message from my sister explaining, in a somewhat cryptic manner, how to get back to her house. However I had other plans. I wanted to go see Ueno.
I could see a train station from my house so figured that seemed like a good start. I can’t remember the name of the station and I don’t think it’s that important, it was some were right at the edge of Tokyo, probably on the boarder of Tokyo and Chiba. Anyway I got to the station and quickly remembered that only the major stations have English maps, so I was a bit unsure of which way to go. I checked the instructions my sister had sent for getting home (the opposite direction to where I wanted to go) and the first direction was to go to the next stop and transfer. I assumed the next stop would probably be able to get me to Ueno as well.
The Next stop is also a station I don’t remember the name of. However it did connect with most other lines. However there was still the problem that it had no English instructions and as I didn’t know the kanji for Ueno I was pretty much in the same situation. I stared blankly at the map trying to work out some way to calculate how to get to Ueno. For some reason this didn’t work so I decided to take a walk around the station for some inspiration.
This didn’t help either; however I did find a terminal for the Tokyo metro and although this map was not in English either they did have a listing of each station and how much a ticket was to the location. Brilliant I can get a ticket, I still don’t know where to go but I know what ticket to buy. I buy the ticket and go through the gate. I go through the ticket booth and all of a sudden things start to get written in English. The sign to the terminal has all the stations in English. Like I said I didn’t know where I was. For all I knew Ueno could have been the next station. It wasn’t, either way I checked the sign and recognised the name Ginza. The station name wasn’t Ginza it was ginza-ichome, either way I figure it is probably close to ginza and ginza is in Tokyo and Ueno is in Tokyo so let’s go there.
So you are probably starting to realise why I sometimes get lost. My logic isn’t perfect however I do generally end up having fun even if I don’t end up at the expected location. Either way when I got to the station platform I managed to find a map of all stations, in English. Seems strange that they didn’t have this useful piece of paper by the ticket machine, when it would have saved my 10-20 minutes of guess work and indecision. Never mind I have passed the Tokyo metro tourist test and now have my English map and as it happened it seemed that ginza-ichome was exactly where I needed to be. Win!
I say seemed like because I hadn’t exactly worked out how to read the map. When I got to ginza-Ichome I realised that it didn’t actually connect with the line I wanted or any other line but its own. Not to be defeated I decided to leave the station and see what opportunities presented themselves. At the end of the day I was in or near to ginza and both ginza and ueno are in Tokyo so my plan wasn’t ruined yet.
I left the stations and started walking in the direction I left. As I didn’t know where I was or how to get where I was going I figured this was as good a plan as any. It turned out to work out pretty well. It wasn’t long before I came across Ginza station. I knew now from the newly acquired metro map that Ueno was on the Ginza line so I was almost there. I got the train and set of for Ueno. I just want to say at this point that im pretty sure this was my first time on the Tokyo metro and would like to say I thought it was a much better train then the standard JR line and as it had English maps it is now my preferred Tokyo train service.
Anyway I got to Ueno and there were many things which I had on my list of possible things to visit so I figured if I wonder around aimlessly I would probably find one of them. Again this tactic seemed to work perfectly and it took me about 1 minute to find Aneme…… A place which my sister had tried to take me too previously, but couldn’t find. It is basically a mass of corridors with market stalls and small shops. The type of streets I really like in japan, similar to Osaka. Either way I would recommend you give it a visit if you ever come to japan.
I got to Ueno at about 10:30 and after finding the market street i just wondered up and down it checking stuff out and doing the general tourist stuff. I bought some new shoes which I had been meaning to do for about a week. I was wearing shorts and trainers which meant I either wore socks and looked like a bit of a cock or I wore no socks and got sweaty sticking feet. Anyway I eventually brought some new shoes. I was supposed to buy some sandals but somehow managed to get some trainers. They are a bit ariated and not made of leather so they are much better than my trainers however they are most definitely not sandals.
I should say right now that I decided to go for the shochu. I wasn’t convinced by the beer and 0 is the same price as none 0, so I have gone for shochu. I would also like to say that the waitress is pretty hot and very helpful. She speaks no English and I have spoken enough Japanese for her to realise that I don’t speak Japanese; however she still insisted on asking which shochu I wanted. Luckily I recognised the word mugiu so all was good.
Back to Ueno, as I was walking down the street I noticed a sex shop and been a… I was going to say single male; however I think I can just say been human I thought I would check it out. I have been in Japanese DVD shops before and checked out Japanese porn, which I may have mentioned before is not so good. I have also been denied entry from some type of Japanese only etchy type place. I think it was some were you just pay to watch porn.
Only in japan would there be a place in the centre of the city catered for people who are too busy to wait until they get home to have a wank (sorry if I have spelt that wrong MS doesn’t seem to have it in there dictionary, which is a little ironic). It may have also been a soap parlour, I’m really not sure. It had a big anomie curtain, which to me suggests something quite innocent. I walked in, in my curiously aimless manner when a Japanese man quickly came out shaking his hand and saying no English only Japanese. This obviously made me want to see what was there even more. What type of stuff is so etchy that they don’t allow westerner? Kotaro wouldn’t tell me!
Anyway I think the point I was coming to was the fact I had never been in a Japanese sex shop so obviously when I saw one I thought I better check it out. I hadn’t planned on buying presents for people with this visit to japan. However I didn’t realise I was going to a sex shop so I decided to get presents.
At first I was going to get a windup toy with a dog fucking a woman or a man fucking a sheep until I realised that these products were English. Not much novelty in that, there must be something more Japanese I thought. I checked it out a bit and it seemed that most of the novelty crap was English. The Japanese stuff been much more concerned with the practicalities of enjoyment. In the end I decided to get my friends some “virtual skin mini”. This is basically a rubber pussy with a picture of a Japanese woman on it. I figured I could tell them I brought them some Japanese’s pussy. Yes very juvenile I know but it still made me giggle.
So I bought the pussy then I saw some woman’s nickers. I couldn’t and still can’t work out weather these were been sold for woman to were or men to enjoy. Either way they were in a little box the type you might get from a vending machine. Brilliant I though, I’ll get these for Chris and just tell him they were from a vending machine.
Upon leaving the shop I realised there was an upstairs, there was actually another 4 floors. One floor which was just woman’s underwear, again not sure if this was for woman or some type of underwear fetish. One floor of fetish costumes and 2 floors of porn.
It was on one of the floors of porn that I saw it. At first it looked like a childes toy dispensing machine. It was filled with round balls which look a little like massive kinder egg toys. However closer inspection reviled what it actually was. If you have note already guessed it was a vending machine for woman’s pants. They exist, I found one, I used one and Chris will be receiving some genuine vending machine panties from this trip. For those interested it cost 1000 Yen which at the current rate is about £8. It took a note and the vending machine was one which required you to turn a key to get the … prize. Just like when you were a kid.
Now you may have detected a little excitement in the previous paragraph. I would just like to state for the record that i was very excited. I was told these things didn’t really exist. I believed that and so gave up my search. So to find one unexpected in Ueno, a place I was originally going to try and visit museums in was fucking awesome. It was made even better when I realised that they weren’t just sold in the vending machine. This shop had different quality used knickers to buy.
There where the vending machine variety which I assume is the cheapest variety. Then there were the packaged knickers which were in a transparent container. I guess these were a little more expensive (1700 Yen) because you could see what type of knickers you were buying. Finally there were the gutchi variety of used woman’s knickers. These included a picture of the woman wearing the knickers possibly to show how gorgeous they were or possibly to prove they were actually worn.
This last product made me wonder about the previous brands. People say when you phone a sex line you are just speaking with and old, fat woman. Perhaps this is the same in the used knicker trade. If there is not a picture perhaps it is just one woman constantly trying on knickers. What a strange job? Just put these knickers on were them for … some time. Is there a perfect time? 1 hour; 1 day; a week. Should they be sweaty or not? Have the knickers from the vending machine even been worn or just sprayed with a scent of … woman. Has the fat old woman now ben demoted from wearing knickers to just spraying them with GM scent? Fuck I’m thinking about this fetish to much I should stop writing and let you consider these things on your own
For the record I do not have a used knicker fetish so please doesn’t send me your knickers. However I do now have a pair of fake vending machine knickers which I no longer need so mail me if you want them
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